Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
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GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Saturday
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son