@Mirth_Quake: Because 'brunch' sounds better than 'I slept until 2pm, I have a hangover and I want pancakes.'
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@causticbob: What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
@BromanConsul: "Is your refrigerator running?" "Hasn't decided yet," I say, winking at my refrigerator & hanging up. A "FRIDGE 2016" banner hangs above him
@massive_images: Dad: "So what are you going to do after you graduate?" Me: "well, mom said we'll probably go out somewhere to eat"
@murrman5: [overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he's always overreacting and making a mess *spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?