I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
You Might Also Like
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
new shirt idea
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.