Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
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Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*