Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
You Might Also Like
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too