Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
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I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!