Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
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Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
People buying plungers never look happy.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
#ParentingFacts
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Meeeee too!
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.