you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I’m tired tomorrow.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Growing out my freckles.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.