5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
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Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.