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Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
“Why you watching this shit?”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s