Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
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I believe the plural is “milves.”
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Anime is real
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
time for some seasonal decor
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”