Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
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overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.