Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
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One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!