@neiltyson: Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: I'm way tougher than you. Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural. Me: So? Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
@TheAlexNevil: Me: It's time for your nap. 6: I don't wanna take a nap!! M: First off, don't talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
@midnitesoc: "The Walking Dad," but it's just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he's "not made of money"
@Cherhole: There was a girl pushing an suv this morning while the guy steered. Feminists everywhere must be scissoring in victory.