Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
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I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
when someone rings the doorbell
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
The fall of Netflix
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face