BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
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Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
The biggest mystery of our time
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
everywhere a sign. ⚠️