BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
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Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.