@CliffDuffy: Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
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@david8hughes: Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o'clock Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o'clock]: we'll worry about him in an hour then
@DeanB15: Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
@LoneWolfStories: That's one healthy flower bed you've got blooming in your backyard. How many bodies do you have buried there? -My attempts at small talk.