@Sassafrantz: Becky on FB is "too blessed to be stressed" so I told her that I slept with her boyfriend.
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@headway10: Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: "Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!" Grandpa: "It's pronounced a Quiche, dear!"
@buhsbaby_baby: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because you saw me eating that cupcake with no hands and you want my autograph?
@AmericanGent69: *holds flashlight under chin Me: suddenly the mystery of... Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins *drops flashlight Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!