Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
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[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!