@Sassafrantz: Becky on FB is "too blessed to be stressed" so I told her that I slept with her boyfriend.
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@girl_a_whirl: [Catholic church] *priest hands out "What To Expect At Your Exorcism" Husband: Babe, this isn't counseling Me: You said you'd try anything
@Rollinintheseat: Friend: "This is the year I'm going to marry my best friend." Me: "This is the year I'm going to train my dog to come when I call him."
@RobDenBleyker: Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he's obviously not good at it.