The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
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Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group