Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
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I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.