*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
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I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
6: are snakes just neck?
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.