My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
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*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.