Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
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i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.