[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
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if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking