Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
You Might Also Like
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Just ruined my dad鈥檚 night by texting pics of a bird he can鈥檛 positively ID
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
hey boy 馃槈 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it鈥檚 a drug deal. 馃槶
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy鈥檚 I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
馃槈馃槤
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad鈥檚 masterpiece
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.