Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
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Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.