[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
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Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Skills
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm