[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
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The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no