Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
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My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.