Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
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Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t