[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
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friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Eat…
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
She was REALLY feeling it.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?