*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
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*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me