[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
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I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
This meeting could have been a cake
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?