[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
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My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
much to think about