Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
You Might Also Like
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!