[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
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If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
“Theirye’re” problem solved
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.