[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
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I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
How to make infinite energy.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.