[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
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Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.