[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
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Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I didn’t realize that was an option
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife