Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
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angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Me in tagged photos
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.