[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
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aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
The Others (2001)
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Godspeed, John Glenn
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.