[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
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Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I just ran a .003048K
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*