Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
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Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Just so funny
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
LOOOOOOL
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then