*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
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The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Care for your back
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING