If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
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*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
*frowns in Scottish*
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Why I divorced her.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁