BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
You Might Also Like
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
crochet youtube is brutal
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.