BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
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By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Awwwww shit.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*