i wish i could marry a nap
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Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.