[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
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“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.