Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
You Might Also Like
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
yes… yes…
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you